You are using an outdated browser.
For a better experience, please upgrade your browser here.
“Is this your first?!”
Now that I’m visibly pregnant with my second baby—a boy—everyone I run into that doesn’t know me asks this question. I had no idea how many strangers or people in the peripherals of your life inquire about the number of children you’ve carried. In the past few weeks, I have had this question posed to me by a receptionist at a dental office, a CVS cashier, an Uber driver, and a table full of people at a professional networking event.
He died shortly before his second birthday, over a year ago. Sometimes I do not tell people about his death. I never lie and say this is my first pregnancy, but I’ll quickly answer that I have a son and leave it at that. Sometimes I feel like these strangers don’t get to know my story. I get caught off guard and become protective of my son’s story, my story, and my grief. Other times, I do share. Just depends on the day.
Share your story and connect with others who are coping with griefJoin the group on Facebook
Nolan was only 18 months old when he was diagnosed with an extremely rare immune-system deficiency. It took us months of testing with nationally recognized immunologists to learn that my husband and I are both carriers for a rare mutation that affects how the immune system fights viruses. Nolan was afflicted and needed a bone-marrow transplant. Despite having a good donor match, the transplant was too much for his fragile body and he passed away 77 days post-transplant.
I know parenting after loss won’t be easy, but parenting fulfilled my husband and me, and we want that in our lives again.
After working with a fertility and genetics team, I am now expecting another son, who will be free from this mutation. Being pregnant after loss has brought out so many emotions: joy, guilt, anger, sadness, hope, and anxiety. I know parenting after loss won’t be easy, but parenting fulfilled my husband and me, and we want that in our lives again. I think Nolan wants it, too.
Being asked a harmless question like, “is this your first?” reminds me that I will always face these interactions. Strangers will always ask how many kids you have, how old they are, and so on. I am living a life most people can’t imagine. One that includes the terrible loss of my sweet boy and, at the same time, the honor of having him for as long as I did. These questions will be asked a thousand different ways, on a thousand different days. And I will learn to handle them.
Get tips and resources from OptionB.Org emailed to you or sent straight to your phone.