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This guide provides specific ways to help a grieving friend based on insights from members of The Dinner Party, a community focused on life after loss.

Let them know you’re thinking of them.

Don’t wait for someone to tell you how you can help.

Remember that grieving is a process—and it’s different for everyone.

Don’t be afraid to talk about the people your friends have lost.

Show up for your friends immediately after loss.

Stick around past the initial wave of support.

Being There: What to Say and Do in the Aftermath of Loss

<a href="https://www.tuesdayschildren.org/" target="_blank">Tuesday’s Children</a> provides a lifetime of healing for those who have been forever changed by terrorism and traumatic loss. Through a time-tested, long-term approach, their programming keeps the promise to support those impacted by 9/11; serves and supports our nation’s military families of the fallen; and builds resilience and common bonds in communities worldwide recovering from tragedies. Michelle Palmer, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the executive director of the <a href="https://www.wendtcenter.org/" target="_blank">Wendt Center for Loss and Healing</a>. Throughout her career, Michelle has worked with children, teens, and adults who have been affected by grief and/or trauma. Donna Gaffney, DNSc, FAAN a psychotherapist and educator, has worked with young people and families in the aftermath of individual tragedies and national disasters. She is the author of The Seasons of Grief: Helping Children Grow Through Loss.

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Resilience

Mass tragedies—like school shootings and subway bombings— can take an emotional toll even when you aren’t directly affected. Learn how to care for yourself—and how to talk to kids—when the unthinkable happens.

How to Care for Yourself and Your Kids When Acts of Violence Are in the News

Mass tragedies have devastating consequences—first and foremost, for the victims, their families, and emergency responders, but also for everyone absorbing the news at home. The images are often searing; the human toll is devastating. For people who have endured previous trauma, these events can be particularly difficult to process. And for children, news like this can be deeply frightening, especially in our 24/7 media culture. 

Here’s some information for anyone asking how to better care for themselves and the children in their lives after a mass tragedy.

Mass tragedies can threaten our sense of security in the places that make up our daily lives: schools, movie theaters, nightclubs, trains, and neighborhoods. When these events occur, even if we aren’t directly impacted, we might experience emotional and physical repercussions, including:

<ul><li>Anger</li><li>Helplessness or hopelessness</li><li>Anxiety; fear for our own safety and that of family or friends</li><li>Numbness or feeling like nothing matters</li><li>Worry; feeling guilty without knowing why</li><li>Difficulty sleeping<a href="#endnote1">1</a></li></ul>

People who have experienced a trauma in their own life or who already struggle with depression or anxiety may experience post-traumatic stress after a mass tragedy.<a href="#endnote2">2</a> They may have flashbacks, nightmares, or intrusive thoughts, and they may find themselves avoiding people or things that upset them. Michelle Palmer, the executive director of the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing, suggests seeking professional help if you were not directly affected by an event but still

<ul><li>Have significant changes in your behavior or mood lasting two to four weeks or longer</li><li>Can’t sleep or work, or find yourself continuing to read about or research the event</li></ul>

Mass tragedies can amplify fears and anxieties for our safety and the safety of people we love. Palmer offers suggestions for actions we can take to help feel safer:

1. Do what you can to prepare. Many cities and schools have plans for disaster response and lockdowns in the event of a threat. See if your city and school have them. Find out if you have one at work or wherever you spend a lot of time.

2. Check in with friends and family. Our loved ones can be a source of support during trying times.

3. Turn off the T.V. and take a break from social media. Limit your exposure to both graphic images and the divisiveness and blame that can follow a mass tragedy.

4. Do something to help. Raise money or collect supplies for people directly affected by the event. Volunteer for organizations that support a relevant cause, like helping people with mental health issues. Write to your senators or congressperson about issues that you feel impact your health and safety.

5. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep. Write or talk about your feelings.

Children can have many responses to mass tragedies. Some may not express their feelings in words but instead reveal them in their drawings or the games they play. Some may revert to behaviors they had outgrown, like bed-wetting or sucking their thumb. Some may have trouble concentrating or experience changes in appetite or sleep patterns. They may be cranky, act out, or become more defiant. Some have a hard time being separated from parents or caregivers. It’s normal for kids to feel anxious, scared, worried, or sad in response to a mass tragedy.<a href="#endnote3">3</a>

While most children will be able to cope when they have support from the adults in their lives, some may need extra care. If children are experiencing other stresses or crises they may be more vulnerable to the emotional impact of a mass tragedy. Watch for these signs that might indicate a need to speak with the child’s pediatrician, teacher, or a mental health counselor.

<ul><li>A return to behaviors they had outgrown (bed-wetting, thumb-sucking) lasting longer than two to four weeks.</li><li>Complaints of physical pains or illness—that’s often how stress manifests in children. Take these complaints seriously and call the pediatrician to rule out medical problems.</li></ul>

<ul><li>Significant changes in personality or school performance that last longer than about a month.</li></ul>

As Michelle Palmer says, “Little children have big ears.” You may think they’re busy playing, but they hear your conversations or the news broadcast in the background. It’s critical that you take some time to work through your own emotions before talking about the event. According to Tuesday’s Children, a nonprofit that supports survivors of traumatic loss, “We can and should let kids know that we are sad, but we have to convey hope and show them how to build resilience in overcoming and learning from negative experiences. Children will ‘hear’ their parents’ emotional reactions and internalize those.”

Ideally, you and your children will be having ongoing conversations about physical safety topics before a tragedy occurs. Talk about what to do if a stranger approaches, how to find each other if you’re separated at a store, or who to turn to for help during an emergency. When a tragedy does happen, it’s best if children can ask you questions about it instead of letting their imaginations run wild. Tuesday’s Children recommends that parents prepare to talk to kids about mass tragedies, especially mass shootings in schools, terrorism, or other violent events that disrupt a child’s sense of safety. Here are tips to help guide your conversation:

1. Be mindful of what information kids of their age need.

<ul><li>Small children: Let your kids take the lead before offering up everything you know. See what questions they have about what happened. Use simple words to ask children how they feel. Avoid metaphors; kids may not understand them. Listen for misinformation or hidden fears. Reassure them that teachers, their principal, police officers, and many other adults work to keep them safe at home and at school.</li><li>7- to 11-year-olds: The same strategies apply as with small kids, but don’t be surprised if they ask for gory details. It’s developmentally normal. Be honest but not overly detailed in your responses.</li><li>Older kids: They may have more grown-up questions about religions, cultures, and civil rights, so be prepared with answers that align with your family values. You’ll have less control over their social media habits, but you can express your preference to try to limit the graphic images they see. Explain that those images can make it hard to concentrate and can cause nightmares.</li></ul>

2. Reassure them without overpromising. Remind children of all ages that although it’s terrible when anyone is hurt or killed, these events, on the whole, are rare. Reassure them that people work hard to find out why an event happened and what we can learn from it to avoid future tragedies. Don’t make promises for things you have no control over.

3. Talk about what to do if something bad happens. Have a plan for what to do at home, school, or anywhere else your child spends time. If you don’t know the plan at school, ask. Be an advocate for a solid safety plan.

4. Remind them that there is good in the world. Life isn’t always safe. People sometimes commit terrible acts of violence. But there are also people who risk their own safety to help others. These events are a chance to teach children about goodness, courage, and compassion.

5. Limit screen time. According to Tuesday’s Children, media can have an impact on the way children respond to and understand traumatizing events. For example, many younger children watching the news after 9/11 thought that the attacks were happening over and over again. Psychotherapist Dr. Donna Gaffney suggests that children under seven not watch any news reports about these tragedies. She also recommends that older children not watch coverage by themselves. Sit with them so you know what content they are viewing. Notice their reactions and ask what’s on their mind. For example: “You’re kind of quiet. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

6. Volunteer together. Make care packages for first responders. Write letters or send cards to kids impacted by the event. Attend a peaceful protest together. Encourage kids to take action—speaking up and doing something helps us cope and build resilience.<a href="#endnote4">4</a>

7. Encourage self-care. Help children discover ways to find relief and support. Encourage them to use coping strategies that have worked for them before, especially talking to others about their feelings. Some additional ideas: Read a comforting bedtime story. Play relaxing music. Give hugs. Try a deep-breathing exercise.

Above all, Michelle Palmer advises parents to “create an environment where kids can talk to you about these events and how they feel about them. If that isn’t possible, find a trusted adult that your child can go to when they’re struggling.”

Mass tragedies take an emotional toll even when we aren’t directly affected. Learn how to care for yourself and your family when the unthinkable happens.

When you treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d show a friend, that’s self-compassion. When you believe in your abilities, that’s self-confidence. We can practice self-compassion and develop our self-confidence on a daily basis to build resilience.

Self-Confidence and Self-Compassion with Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant

Self-Confidence & Self-Compassion

Every person’s experience is different, so what’s the best way for you to show up for them? Mental health advocate Sahaj Kaur Kohli provides you with 8 dos and 8 don’ts.

How to support a friend or family member struggling with mental health

How to Support a Friend or Family Member Struggling with Mental Health

To honor National Infertility Awareness Week Option B hosted an Instagram Live with grief advocate and author Marisa Renee Lee and RESOLVE Board Member Dr. Elizabeth Grill about experiencing infertility loss and how to support family or friends. In this clip from our Live, we discuss just how distressing living with infertility can be.

Infertility awareness facts and learnings

Psychology professors Dr. Irwin Sandler and Dr. Sharlene Wolchik share strategies that parents and caregivers can use to help support children after the loss of a parent.

Take good care of yourself

Strengthen family bonds

Listen to your children

Establish consistent, effective family rules

Support your children’s coping

Tips for Parenting After a Family Loss

Resilient Parenting for Bereaved Families

Kristina M. Scharp, Ph.D., is an assistant professor of communication at the University of Washington and a director of the <a href="https://www.familycommlab.com/" rel="noreferrer noopener" target="_blank">Family Communication and Relationships Lab</a>. She researches difficult family transitions such as parent-child estrangement and the processes by which family members cope with their distress. Featured in journals such as Communication Research, Human Communication Research, and the Journal of Family Communication, she is particularly interested in ways people navigate entering and exiting the family. Her research has also garnered attention from outlets such as The New York Times, PBS, NPR, The Washington Post, and The Wall Street Journal.

Kristina M. Scharp, Ph.D.

This piece is part of the <a href='/how-to-get-support-on-fathers-day' rel='noreferrer noopener' target='_blank'>#OptionBThere</a> program which aims to help people find the words and actions to support loved ones who are coping with loss, struggling with infertility, or feeling left out on Father’s Day. The article, “How to Support a Friend Estranged from Family,” breaks down the harsh reality of estrangement and gives advice on how to help your friends cope through a difficult Father’s Day.

Not all families are close. Learn why estrangement is hard for everyone involved, and how you can best support people you love.

How to support a friend estranged from family

Many of us have mental pictures of what family looks like. Often, those pictures include parents who have loving and trusting relationships with their children. There’s no question that the bond between parents and children is often our closest and most enduring relationship.<a href="#endnote1">1</a> But family harmony is not everyone’s reality. Many adult children and their parents are estranged from one another, meaning they choose to put distance between themselves. This could mean anything from talking rarely to completely cutting ties, and the degree of estrangement can vary over time.

Estrangement is more common than you might think. Dr. Kristina Scharp studies difficult family transitions and how people cope with them. According to her, although there are no official statistics, “Research suggests that family estrangement might be as common as divorce in some parts of society. Studies also suggest that about one in every eight mothers identifies as being estranged from at least one of her children<a href="#endnote2">2</a>—and we know that this number is even higher for fathers.”

Despite how common it is, estrangement can still feel lonely and painful for both the person being distanced and the one who wants more space.

1. The reasons for it. There are many factors that lead people to put distance between themselves and their family members, including abuse, a nasty divorce, or unresolved family issues. A parent or adult child might feel a lack of acceptance, support, or love. They may hold different values or feel the other’s behavior has been unacceptable or toxic.<a href="#endnote3">3</a> None of this feels good. But according to Dr. Scharp, estrangement can be a very healthy solution to an unhealthy environment. Some adult children experience personal growth, healing, and happiness after distancing themselves from family.<a href="#endnote4">4</a>

2. Stigma, guilt, and shame. It can feel socially unacceptable to distance ourselves from family, or to be the person cut out of a family member’s life. We may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or uncomfortable talking about the situation with other family members or friends.<a href="#endnote5">5</a> A recent study found that parents have an especially hard time with feelings of shame and guilt around estrangement, because they are expected to love and support their children no matter what.<a href="#endnote6">6</a> Friends and family may think they’re helping by pushing for a reunion between estranged family members, but according to Dr. Scharp, “Qualitative research tells us that people who are estranged from family experience significant stigma that’s made worse by well-meaning friends who pressure them to reconcile.”

3. It’s not recognized as a loss. If a person hasn’t spoken to their dad in ten years, it can feel like they don’t have a dad anymore—even though they technically do. Dr. Scharp explains that people who are estranged can feel “disenfranchised grief”—a kind of bereavement that is not publicly acknowledged or socially supported. But their grief is real because they are missing the emotional, educational, financial, and physical support that family can provide.<a href="#endnote7">7</a>

4. It’s a process. Estrangement is not always something that feels finished at a certain point. As Dr. Scharp tells us, “Those who distance themselves must also continue the separation. The process is often marked by an on-again/off-again pattern, which can be difficult in and of itself.”

1. Respect their reasons. It can take a lot of effort to put distance between oneself and one’s family. So if a friend has done that, trust that they have good reasons for it. “People often have enough difficulty gaining distance from their family the first time,” Dr. Scharp says. “It is often helpful to respect that those who desire distance have legitimate reasons.” Even if you don’t entirely understand or agree with their actions, trust that your friend knows what’s right for them.

2. Be willing to listen. Your friend might not want to talk about their estranged relationship. But you can still let them know that you’re there for them, whether they want to talk or not. People in the estrangement process often feel that they are alone. Letting them know you’re there for them can go a long way.

3. Don’t push them to reconcile. Unless they specifically express a desire to reconnect, don’t suggest it. Keeping the estrangement going might be the right call for them, and it’s their decision. Ask how they feel about the situation. Let them talk if they want to. If they do want to reconcile, working with a professional counselor is a good idea.

4. Remind your friend they are loved. People who are estranged can have a hard time trusting others, which can weaken all of their relationships.<a href="#endnote8">8</a> Letting them know they are loved reminds them that they have a chosen family who may not share DNA but do share their values, memories, and experiences. It helps your estranged friend to know that your opinion of them hasn’t changed.

5. Remember them on holidays. Special days like Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, or Christmas, when families typically gather together, may be tough for your friend. And if they’re estranged from a parent or child, Mother’s and Father’s Day can be difficult as well. Invite friends who are estranged from their families to your family gatherings or make plans together. If they prefer to go on vacation or spend the day on their own, respect their wishes.

Recommendations to help you give back—because doing good for others is good for you, too.

Volunteer for a good cause

How to Support a Friend Estranged from Family

How to Support a Friend Who is Estranged from Their Family

Author Debra Jarvis explains how she claimed her experience with cancer by letting go of her old self and allowing a new self to emerge.

Yes, I Survived Cancer. But That Doesn’t Define Me.

This article is part of our series on supporting others during COVID-19. For more advice on helping your community and caring for yourself, <a href="https://optionb.org/how-to-support-each-other-COVID-19" target="_blank">visit this page</a>.

Tips and resources on ways to support someone who’s lost a loved one during COVID-19

How to support someone who’s lost a loved one during COVID-19

The COVID-19 pandemic has disrupted our lives in profound and unprecedented ways. Most if not all of us are worried about someone we love—whether it’s a relative, a friend, or our community as a whole.

In the face of this crisis, it’s important to remember that even the smallest acts of care can make a difference. We’ve compiled the tips and resources below to help you find simple, concrete ways to take action.

As the coronavirus continues to spread, the experience of losing a loved one to this disease is sadly becoming more and more common. The pandemic has also made loss even harder to process — individuals may feel that their grief is overshadowed by the larger global narrative, and in-person funerals have been cancelled or postponed due to physical distancing guidelines.

If someone close to you is grieving a recent loss, the first and most important thing you can do is <a href="https://optionb.org/build-resilience/advice/being-there-guide" target="_blank">reach out</a> and let them know you’ll be there for them no matter what. Instead of just offering to “do anything” or “talk anytime,” <a href="https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving" target="_blank">take a specific action</a> to help them cope, such as ordering their groceries or texting them daily even if they don’t always respond.

Honor your friend’s personal experience by <a href="https://www.refugeingrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/RiG_infogpraphic-DoThisNotThat-PrintReady.pdf" target="_blank">asking questions</a> about their loved one, what they’re thinking and feeling, and how you can help. <a href="https://www.refugeingrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/RiG_infogpraphic-DoThisNotThat-PrintReady.pdf" target="_blank">Don’t assume</a> that you know what they’re going through, or that the coping strategies someone else has used will work for them. Instead, tell them you trust them and will support them in doing whatever feels right.

If your friend wants to hold a virtual memorial or arrange another type of remote tribute, offer to help with the planning and coordination. Although there’s no way to replace a traditional in-person gathering, even something simple and informal — such as <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/01/health/grief-fear-coronavirus-wellness/index.html" target="_blank">sharing stories and photos</a> on a video call — can be meaningful and healing right now. You can also encourage your friend to journal or <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2020/04/02/793951420/new-mourning-rituals-offer-comfort-and-closure-during-an-outbreak" target="_blank">write letters</a> to their loved one, which may help them process their grief.

Here are some additional resources to help you support someone who’s lost a loved one:

Option B Resource Library

Engage with these 14 actionable lessons right now

Slow down and feel your feelings

Focus on the basics: breathe, eat, sleep, and move

Remember: it’s not your fault and it won’t always feel like this

Practice self-compassion: how to be kind to yourself

Open up and and ask for help

Build your support system

Avoid avoidance and accept negative emotions

Practice gratitude and tell people what they mean to you

Create space for struggle and joy to co-exist

Post-traumatic growth: Build a meaningful and connected new normal

Remember: it’s not your fault and it won’t always feel like this

Focus on the basics: breathe, eat, sleep, and move

Talk openly to your loved one about stress, trauma, or loss

Show up and support in specific, concrete ways

Mobilize their broader support team

Be there for the long haul

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