To ask for the help you need, you might say:

• “I’m having a hard day. Do you have time to talk?”
• “I’m having a difficult time staying on top of things right now. Would you be able to walk my dog or run an errand for me?”
• “I have no idea what to do. Can you help me think it through?”

If you’re feeling too overwhelmed to even figure out what you need, that’s normal and a great place to ask for help! Consider asking a friend, family member, or professional helper, like a counselor, to sit down with you and help you think through what kinds of support you need most.

Often, people who want to offer support hold back because they aren’t sure how to help and don’t want to intrude. To point helpers in the right direction, consider making a list of unmet needs. That way, when someone says, “Let me know if there is anything I can do,” you’ll have ideas ready.

You might ask people to:

• Bring or buy you dinner
• Help you with chores like vacuuming or grocery shopping
• Keep you company while you zone out and watch a movie
• Spread the word to others about what you need—whether that is practical support or a bit of space

To draw your ring model:

• Place yourself and anyone who you’re directly supporting in the day-to-day, like a child or a second parent if your other parent is sick, in the innermost circle.
• Draw a ring around this circle. Here, include people who are next most affected by what’s occurred—perhaps family members, partners, or friends.
• Keep creating larger circles, adding people based on how close they are to the crisis. This may include coworkers, neighbors, or acquaintances facing a similar challenge.
• In the outer circle, include community groups and organizations that can offer support. These could include support groups, online communities, workplace employee assistance programs, health providers, religious groups, schools, nonprofits, or social services.

Looking at your ring of support can give you a new perspective on the range of people and places that may be able to offer you support. Seeing yourself at the center may give you permission to lean on others. Looking at the outer rings may reveal sources of support you hadn’t thought of or overlooked.

Your model may also reveal that resources have been flowing in the wrong direction. If people in outer rings have been leaning on you for support instead of dumping out, it’s okay to draw boundaries around what you can offer them. That might mean encouraging them to get support from someone with more capacity or even limiting contact to focus on your own needs.

As you start asking for help, you’ll find that people in your support system have different strengths. Some will be better at offering a shoulder to cry on, others at taking action to solve problems. You may also find that people try to help in ways that aren’t actually helpful. That’s normal, since everyone handles hard times differently.

It’s okay to be direct about what would work better. You could say,

• “I just want to vent today, not dive into problem solving.”
• “I need a break from hard conversations. Could we just go on a walk?”
• “I’m all set on food, but I would love some company.”