Expert Advice
Discover your empathy superpower
When we want to support someone going through a tough time, our first question is often: “What do they need?” But it’s equally important to ask: “What can I give?”
There are a lot of different ways to express empathy. Some will feel more natural to you than others—and when something feels easy, you're more likely to do it. Ditto for when it’s something you know you do well. To figure out which empathetic gesture comes most naturally to you, take a look at our Empathy Menu.™ Find the approach—or approaches—that work for you.
Is good at asking questions, is attentive to the answers, and offers up space for the person to just be quiet with someone, if talking feels like too much.
Sends texts just saying Hi and I’m thinking of you.
Sends a card, notes to say Hello, I’m thinking of you, I’m sorry, I’m proud, or You are awesome. Or something else even more poetic.
Prays and sends positive, healing intentions.
Drops off fresh and/or frozen meals.
Gives coupons for a cleaning service, food, massages.
Gives silly gifts like a voodoo doll or a bright pink wig, maybe takes the person to a stand-up show.
Forgives broken plans and keeps on scheduling. (This is actually a characteristic everyone should aspire to when helping.)
Drives and keeps company on important dates.
Finds out people who can help and makes an introduction, from medical and alternative doctors, to lawyers, to therapists, to someone else who’s been in a similar situation.
Makes something unique and meaningful—a quilt, a song, an awesome playlist.
Digs into the latest research (possibly shielding the patient from falling into the vast and terrifying abyss of medical information on the Internet).
Invites the person out to movies, drinks, or accompanies them in a marathon of watching the dumbest reality television they can find.
Does the yard work, brings plants.
Runs errands—from food shopping, to picking up dry cleaning, to housework.
Creates binders of important financial, health, and legal information.
Spends time with the kids or the frail people in our lives.
Coordinates other people’s help. (Nobody wants eight casseroles on the same day.)
Helps out with costs on babysitting, medical or legal bills, and so on, and doesn’t need to be paid back.
The point of contact for sharing updates with friends.
Invites the person to stay at their house or invites them over for meals.
Reprinted from There Is No Good Card for This: What to Say and Do When Life is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love. Copyright 2017 by Kelsey Crowe, PhD, and Emily McDowell. Reprinted with permission by HarperOne, a division of HarperCollinsPublishers.
The Empathy Menu offers ideas for how to offer support when someone you care about is dealing with something hard, even if you don’t know what to say. By reaching out even in a small way, you’re acknowledging what they’re going through—and it can make a real difference in their day.
So if you freeze at the thought of talking about feelings but enjoy gardening, offer to help your friend with their yardwork. If you’re a music lover and are inspired to create a playlist full of your friend’s favorite tunes, go for it—or if you don’t have time, just send them one song that always makes you smile. Are you a great listener? Love driving? Have a knack for organizing? Turn that skill into a gesture of friendship and support.
Your authentic gift, whatever it may be, will be a lovely thing to receive.